Article
Why do I apologize for things that are not my fault?
Sorry for the delay. Sorry, one more thing. Sorry, is this a bad time. Sorry for taking up space at all.
The short answer
Reflexive apologizing is usually a way of managing other people's possible displeasure before it arrives. It often develops in environments where someone's mood was unpredictable, and it can be changed gradually without becoming harsh.
What it is doing for you
An apology arrives before conflict does. If you were the one who kept the peace at home, or you learned early that other people's reactions were your responsibility, this is a very sensible strategy that outlived its usefulness.
It also quietly teaches you that your needs are an imposition.
Small swaps to practice
- Thank you for waiting, instead of sorry for the delay.
- I have a question, instead of sorry to bother you.
- Silence, when nothing actually requires an apology.
- Save sorry for the times you genuinely caused harm, where it means something.
- Notice the moment before the apology. That is where the fear is.
This is not about becoming blunt
Warmth is not the problem. Many women fear that changing this makes them cold. In practice, apologizing less usually makes your yes and your sorry mean more.
Common questions
Is this people pleasing?
Often, yes. They tend to travel together.
What if my workplace expects it?
You can stay professional and courteous while removing the apologies that are about fear rather than fault.
Why does it feel so risky to stop?
Because it has been protecting you. Going slowly is reasonable.
Learn more about counseling for self-worth and confidence with Lori, or browse all articles on self-worth and confidence.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
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Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com