Article
Why is caring for a parent so exhausting and so complicated?
Much of this work falls to daughters, and much of it happens without anyone noticing how heavy it is.
The short answer
Caregiving combines practical labor, role reversal, family conflict and anticipatory grief. Exhaustion and resentment are common and do not mean you love your parent less, and support for the caregiver is not optional.
What makes it so heavy
- You are grieving someone who is still here.
- Old family roles reactivate, often with siblings who see it differently.
- The decisions are constant and rarely clear.
- Your own family and work still need you.
- Guilt shows up no matter what you choose.
What actually helps
Naming the grief rather than only managing the logistics. Asking for specific help instead of general help. Accepting that good enough care is the realistic standard.
It also helps to have one hour that is not about anyone's needs but your own, which is often what counseling becomes.
You are allowed to be tired
Resentment, relief, impatience and love appear together in caregiving. Saying all of it out loud in a private place usually lowers the pressure more than trying to feel only the acceptable parts.
Common questions
Is it selfish to want time for myself?
No. Sustained caregiving requires it.
Why do I feel grief already?
Anticipatory grief is common when someone is declining.
Can counseling help with sibling conflict?
It can help you decide what you will and will not carry, and how to say so.
Learn more about counseling for grief and life transitions with Lori, or browse all articles on grief and life transitions.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com