Article
How do I set a boundary without starting a conflict?
Most women do not need to be convinced that boundaries matter. They need words, and a plan for the guilt.
The short answer
A boundary is a statement about what you will do, not a demand that someone else change. Short, kind and specific works best, and the discomfort afterward is normal rather than evidence that you did it wrong.
Words you can borrow
- I am not able to do that this time.
- I can do Saturday morning, not the whole weekend.
- I would rather not talk about that.
- Let me think about it and get back to you.
- I love you, and I am not going to discuss this again tonight.
What to do with the guilt
Guilt shows up most reliably in the women who need boundaries most, and it is not a reliable signal that you did something wrong. It usually means you did something new.
Expect it, name it, and let it pass without renegotiating your answer.
If someone pushes back
Repeat the same sentence rather than escalating it. You do not owe a case file. If a relationship only works when you have no limits, that is important information rather than a personal failure.
Common questions
What if they get angry?
Some people will. Their reaction is information, and it does not automatically mean you were unkind.
Is it a boundary if I have to explain it?
A brief reason is fine. Long justifications tend to invite negotiation.
Can counseling help me practice?
Yes. Practicing out loud with someone first makes a difference.
Learn more about counseling for women and female students with Lori, or browse all articles for women and female students.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
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Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com