Article
Why do I feel guilty no matter what I choose?
Work more and you feel guilty. Work less and you feel guilty. The standard moves so that guilt always has somewhere to land.
The short answer
Mother guilt is usually less about your actual choices and more about an impossible standard applied constantly. It eases when the standard is examined out loud rather than when you finally satisfy it.
The standard is the problem
You are measuring yourself against every mother you see, in her best moment, from the outside. Meanwhile you have access to every one of your own hard afternoons.
Add advice from all directions and it becomes impossible to be doing it right in anyone's terms, including your own.
What tends to help
- Decide what you actually value, in a few words, and use that as your measure.
- Repair rather than perform. Children learn a great deal from being apologized to.
- Cut the input. Mute the accounts that reliably make you feel behind.
- Tell one honest friend the unedited version.
- Let good enough be an actual goal rather than a concession.
What to watch for
If guilt has become constant, or joins with low mood, irritability, anxiety or feeling numb toward your own life, that is worth talking with someone about rather than trying harder.
Common questions
Does everyone feel this?
It is extremely common and rarely discussed honestly.
Is this postpartum related?
It can be. New or worsening symptoms after a birth deserve medical and counseling attention.
What does counseling do about guilt?
It examines where the standard came from and what it is protecting.
Learn more about counseling for women and female students with Lori, or browse all articles for women and female students.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com