Article
What should I expect in the first year after a loss?
The first weeks have their own strange momentum. It is often later, when everyone else has resumed their lives, that grief gets heaviest.
The short answer
The first year usually includes an early numb stretch, a harder middle when support thins out, and a series of firsts: birthdays, holidays, seasons and the anniversary. Anticipating those dates is often more useful than trying to move through the year on schedule.
A rough shape many people notice
Early on there is a great deal to do and a good deal of company. Then the arrangements end, people return to their routines, and the actual absence arrives.
Grief also gets quieter in public while staying loud in private, which is why many people feel more alone at month five than at week one.
Planning for the hard dates
- Decide in advance rather than waking up into a holiday unprepared.
- Change a tradition on purpose if keeping it would be unbearable.
- Tell one person which day is coming.
- Give yourself an exit from any gathering.
- Expect the week before an anniversary to be as hard as the day.
When to bring in support
If you are not eating or sleeping, if you cannot function at work or with your children, or if you feel yourself disappearing, that is a reason to talk with someone. So is simply not wanting to carry it alone.
If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the United States or go to the nearest emergency room.
Common questions
Does it get better after a year?
Many people find the second year different rather than simply easier. The intensity generally spaces out.
Why do I feel worse now than at the funeral?
Early shock can blunt grief. When it lifts, the loss becomes real.
Is counseling only for complicated grief?
No. Ordinary grief is a fine reason to have support.
Learn more about counseling for grief and life transitions with Lori, or browse all articles on grief and life transitions.
Written by Lori Rasmussen, LISW, a Licensed Independent Social Worker licensed in the State of Iowa and a Certified Spiritual Director. Lori counsels women and female students in Waterloo, Iowa and online across Iowa. Articles here are meant to help you understand what you may be experiencing; they are not a diagnosis and they do not take the place of care from a professional who knows your story.
Reaching out can be the first step.
You don't need to know exactly what to say, or have anything figured out, before you contact Lori.
Or email rasmussencounselingandsd@gmail.com